Oh Ok: SU Student Thinks Being Ghosted Counts as a Trauma

Hard Copy Satire

dating-3373115_960_720Seattle University— Imagine you’re sitting in your UCOR when the professor asks the class for examples of various traumatic events that individuals can experience in their life. Your classmates shout out your typical answers like, you know, unexpected death, being a victim of violence, serious accidents, etc. You all seem to agree that these truly terrible occurrences are examples of trauma… until you see the girl in the corner raise her hand. “Um, actually, we should include the sudden death of communication with a potential life partner”. Oh ok, so now being ghosted counts as experiencing trauma.

A chronic oversharer, Trudy Trauma relayed to the class how last week, she too experienced trauma after a 19-year-old skater boy with a Rainer can in hand for every picture suddenly ghosted her after one Tinder date. As the class all but begged the professor to move on, Trudy Trauma continued “I really…

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High School Student Gets a Good Night’s Sleep

June 12, 2019 ATHERTON — Last night, junior Jeffrey Campbell reportedly achieved the eight hours of sleep recommended by the American Sleep Association, becoming at once both a role model and source of envy for much of the student body. “It really wasn’t as hard as I’d thought it would be,” he said when interviewed. … Continue reading High School Student Gets a Good Night’s Sleep

Local High Schooler Distraught After Rejection from the Electoral College

June 8, 2019 CHICAGO, IL — Local high schooler Patrick Adams was recently rejected from the Electoral College, his dream school. The tersely worded rejection letter claims that Electoral “would not be able to take [Adams]”. The note continues, “While you were a qualified candidate for our school, we are only able to take 538 … Continue reading Local High Schooler Distraught After Rejection from the Electoral College

IB Student Arrested After Cooking Meth for Chemistry Extended Essay

May 6, 2019 MARYLAND — High school senior James Winbald has recently been arrested for possession of illegal drugs after a series of chemical experiments for his IB Chemistry Extended Essay. Last Friday, Maryland state troopers raided the school lab where Winbald was conducting his experiment, where they found that the lab had developed into … Continue reading IB Student Arrested After Cooking Meth for Chemistry Extended Essay

Study Reveals An Increase In Stress Levels in Students

CAMBRIDGE — A report published in Scientific American has shown that there has been a spike in stress levels in students all around the world. One of the major contributors to this stress? University acceptances. “I don’t understand it,” one of the lead researchers commented, waving a brochure from Harvard. “The entry requirements are lower … Continue reading Study Reveals An Increase In Stress Levels in Students

School District to Combat Grade Inflation with Student Cremation

KENMORE —The Northshore School District announced yesterday its proposal to combat its rapidly growing grade inflation epidemic. The district plans to roll out a new program in which students are selected, based on their GPA, attendance, followers on Instagram, and classroom participation, to be used as fuel for their school’s furnaces. Grade inflation has been … Continue reading School District to Combat Grade Inflation with Student Cremation

California Legislature Passes Bill to Make 2+2 Equal 5

April 12, 2019 SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — The California state Senate approved a bill to permanently alter the value of 2 + 2 to five (5) within the state of California. The bill, motivated by activists claiming “all numbers are created equal”, was introduced to the State Assembly on Monday as an educational reform. After passing … Continue reading California Legislature Passes Bill to Make 2+2 Equal 5