Author: Satire Goat

Amazon Fire Publicity Stunt Goes Wrong

August 29, 2019 SEATTLE — News of Amazon’s catastrophic marketing failure has spread like wildfire. “We’re sorry,” said Jeff Bezos, looking down from his penthouse. This comes after Brazilian police discovered CCTV footage of workers wearing Amazon logos setting fire to the rainforest.  “We wanted to do something new with our marketing in Brazil. We … Continue reading Amazon Fire Publicity Stunt Goes Wrong →

High School Sophomore Devastated After Getting Dumped in a 1-Week Relationship

MIAMI—Local high sophomore Ric Hayden, a 15-year-old, was left bedridden on Wednesday after being dumped by his girlfriend. “I’m just devastated,” Ric said. “It was our first week anniversary and she just left me as if nothing happened.”  “I just don’t think I’ll ever find anyone else like her,” Ric added. Being Ric’s first serious … Continue reading High School Sophomore Devastated After Getting Dumped in a 1-Week Relationship →

Sony Agrees to Let Tom Holland Visit Disney Only on the Weekends

August 23, 2019 BURBANK — Sony has announced a divorce from Disney, citing “irreconcilable differences.” The couple has been together for 3 years and first met on the set of the blockbuster film Captain America: Civil War. While together, they created superstar actor Tom Holland. Fans are heartbroken after the breakup of Disony, but negotiations … Continue reading Sony Agrees to Let Tom Holland Visit Disney Only on the Weekends →

New All Electric Apple Car to be Sold Without Steering Wheel

Apple’s Tim Cook speaking to investors at a 2018 conference on predatory pricing and inflated costs on the consumer market. August 21, 2019 CUPERTINO — Apple has just announced that its new all electric car, the DrivePod, will not come with a steering wheel as a standard feature of the car. In a teaser video … Continue reading New All Electric Apple Car to be Sold Without Steering Wheel →

Singapore Institutes Nationwide Breath-Control

August 17, 2019 SINGAPORE — The small island nation of Singapore, long known for its bans on mundane products such as chewing gum and cigarettes, has now banned exhaling. These two actions join a long list of already-banned actions in Singapore, including spitting, feeding pigeons, and using a phone in a pulled-over car — each … Continue reading Singapore Institutes Nationwide Breath-Control →

College Board to Introduce AP Personality

July 22, 2019 NEW YORK — Following reports that Harvard used subjective criteria such as “Personality” and “Charisma” in their application process, the College Board decided to offer AP classes and exams in these same subject areas, citing that these were “essential life skills”, and that they aligned with the College Board's mission of preparing … Continue reading College Board to Introduce AP Personality →

UN Adopts Resolution to Grant the Working Class 25 Hours a Day

July 23, 2019 UNITED NATIONS — The UN Economic and Security Council adopted a resolution that grants the working class 25 hours a day last Friday. An OPCVL analysis of the resolution revealed that the purpose of the text was to combat the global issue of socio-economic inequality. This marks an important milestone for poor … Continue reading UN Adopts Resolution to Grant the Working Class 25 Hours a Day →

Smoking Found to Create Stronger Lungs for Future Generations

July 22, 2019 VANCOUVER, BC—In a new paper, experts at the University of British Columbia Medical School’s Department of Medical Genetics concluded Friday that there is evidence that smoking can create stronger lungs for future generations.  “We believe that this groundbreaking discovery will the public’s perception of the so-called ‘dangers’ of smoking,'' said Dr. Jae-Eun … Continue reading Smoking Found to Create Stronger Lungs for Future Generations →