July 21, 2019
TRENTON — On Monday, George Wilson, a 28-year old graduate student, was driving home over summer break down I-78 when he totaled his car into a tree. Wilson has taken the tree to court, claiming a hit-and-run as well as assault. Wilson has requested a year’s supply of paper and firewood for his family as part of any potential out-of-court settlement, a demand the tree’s lawyer has repeatedly called “unnecessary and ludicrous”. When interviewed, the lawyer said, “There is no concrete evidence that could convict this tree, so we’ll see what happens in court.”
According to first responder Erica Williams, Wilson had a blood alcohol level of close to 1% when he was found unconscious in his vehicle. Wilson also had hallucinogenic mushrooms and bags labeled “edible” filled with THC-laced gummy worms. The recording of Williams at the crime scene is as follows:
“Oh Lord… we’ve got three bags of ‘edibles’, some hallucinogenic ‘shrooms, and other stuff… he was driving with each leg in a cast… George? Mr. George Wilson? Are you awake? Oh God, he’s wearing AirPods, he can’t hear me… send backup…”
The tree and its lawyer have thus threatened to counter-sue for reckless driving, possession of illegal drugs, and injury to the tree — which had about 40 pounds of branches snapped off by the impact. As such, the ensuing legal standoff could take months to process — a record-setting length for cases involving vegetation.
When questioned, Wilson said, “That tree got in my way. The roads ultimately belong to cars, not cyclists or joggers or anyone else. A tree doesn’t just get the right of way because it’s standing there, it needs to wait its turn to cross the road. I’m the one who’s seriously injured now, because the law won’t protect me, the driver, against trees.” Wilson then left for another medical appointment, this one to fix an ingrown toenail caused by the tree. When asked, the tree declined to comment.