College Board to Introduce AP Personality

July 22, 2019 NEW YORK — Following reports that Harvard used subjective criteria such as “Personality” and “Charisma” in their application process, the College Board decided to offer AP classes and exams in these same subject areas, citing that these were “essential life skills”, and that they aligned with the College Board's mission of preparing … Continue reading College Board to Introduce AP Personality

UN Adopts Resolution to Grant the Working Class 25 Hours a Day

July 23, 2019 UNITED NATIONS — The UN Economic and Security Council adopted a resolution that grants the working class 25 hours a day last Friday. An OPCVL analysis of the resolution revealed that the purpose of the text was to combat the global issue of socio-economic inequality. This marks an important milestone for poor … Continue reading UN Adopts Resolution to Grant the Working Class 25 Hours a Day

Smoking Found to Create Stronger Lungs for Future Generations

July 22, 2019 VANCOUVER, BC—In a new paper, experts at the University of British Columbia Medical School’s Department of Medical Genetics concluded Friday that there is evidence that smoking can create stronger lungs for future generations.  “We believe that this groundbreaking discovery will the public’s perception of the so-called ‘dangers’ of smoking,'' said Dr. Jae-Eun … Continue reading Smoking Found to Create Stronger Lungs for Future Generations

Oh Ok: SU Student Thinks Being Ghosted Counts as a Trauma

Hard Copy Satire

dating-3373115_960_720Seattle University— Imagine you’re sitting in your UCOR when the professor asks the class for examples of various traumatic events that individuals can experience in their life. Your classmates shout out your typical answers like, you know, unexpected death, being a victim of violence, serious accidents, etc. You all seem to agree that these truly terrible occurrences are examples of trauma… until you see the girl in the corner raise her hand. “Um, actually, we should include the sudden death of communication with a potential life partner”. Oh ok, so now being ghosted counts as experiencing trauma.

A chronic oversharer, Trudy Trauma relayed to the class how last week, she too experienced trauma after a 19-year-old skater boy with a Rainer can in hand for every picture suddenly ghosted her after one Tinder date. As the class all but begged the professor to move on, Trudy Trauma continued “I really…

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