June 8, 2019
CHICAGO, IL — Local high schooler Patrick Adams was recently rejected from the Electoral College, his dream school. The tersely worded rejection letter claims that Electoral “would not be able to take [Adams]”. The note continues, “While you were a qualified candidate for our school, we are only able to take 538 candidates per class. Your application made it clear that you did not learn particularly much from your AP US Government and Politics class.”
The note, which starts out as a standard rejection letter, continues into a scathing criticism of Adams. Admissions officers go on to say, “Please reconsider your decision to apply to the Electoral College, as the mere fact that you applied here says a lot about your chances in a college. In fact, by receiving this letter, you have been established as someone who should probably not be attending any further academic schooling.” Included with the letter were a list of vocational schools for carpentry as recommended courses of further education for Adams. Also included was the $100 bill that Adams used to attempt to buy his way into the school’s crew team to earn scholarships.
When interviewed, Adams was very clearly distraught. In tears, he said, “My dream for as long as I can remember was to eventually attend Electoral. Their event every four years gives them a very special relationship with the President. As a student looking to go into law, this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. For them to turn me down like this… It’s just not fair, not fair at all.”
“Previously, the Electors have had alumni who have truly broken ground. Some of them have even had the audacity to break precedent and not vote for the right candidate come Election Day, which I see as the ultimate sign of bravery. Christopher Suprun going rogue and casting his vote for Kasich in 2016… it really gave me someone to look up to. That’s why I thought Electoral was the right fit for me. The admissions process wasn’t fair. They’re pretending that they’re not a real college just to deny me admission. Not only that, I’ve been treated so rudely by them. This is unacceptable.”
Despite this, Electoral College admissions officers have continued to deny the existence of any undergraduate programs. “Our duty at the Electoral College is first and foremost to elect the president of the people,” their admissions department said in a statement, “and is most certainly not to offer undergraduate programs to uneducated people.”
Adams’ mother has protested, “Even if he’s not the right type of student for Electoral, it’s not right to treat him like this. At least recognize his achievements. This was his dream! You’ve crushed it now, and he will never be the same. He’s been crying every night over that ‘waitlist’ thing you did to him. Getting his hopes up like that only to say the school doesn’t even exist really hurts, you know?”
Adams will study at a local community college, after several of his college offers were rescinded as this story has come to light. Electoral College representatives declined multiple requests for interview.