May 6, 2019
MARYLAND — High school senior James Winbald has recently been arrested for possession of illegal drugs after a series of chemical experiments for his IB Chemistry Extended Essay. Last Friday, Maryland state troopers raided the school lab where Winbald was conducting his experiment, where they found that the lab had developed into a full-blown meth production facility.
Winbald was in the lab with his faculty advisor, Mr. Steve Bianchi, when the search of the lab began. After authorities located large quantities of illicit substances — including multiple Build-a-Bears filled with crystal meth and Hydro Flask containers with PCP — Winbald was taken into custody and questioned, along with Bianchi.
According to Winbald, his reason for cooking meth was to help students with attention deficit disorders. “My little brother, David, has ADHD,” he said, “and I wanted to see if I could help make the world a little nicer for ADHD folks by using my chemistry knowledge. While doing my initial research, I wanted to design a more cost-effective drug than Adderall. Medicare doesn’t cover it and my dad wanted to buy a new lawnmower.”
Winbald administered these drugs to children at his brother’s school. The children were able to focus better while on these drugs, however, the hyperactivity from their condition was intensified. Over 78% of the preschoolers were unable to sleep during naptime.
According to police, the street value of Winbald’s drugs is over $500,000, though the fines were fully paid for by the sale of Winbald’s drugs to local students. The possession of crystal meth means that Winbald is already facing felony charges and a minimum of 10 years in prison.
Bianchi is enthusiastic about his pupil’s discovery: “Chemistry is no longer going to be the lamest department at East High any longer!” he exclaimed. “It used to be mocked as an SL science that kids would take only to make their transcripts look better. Our sciences have been in an arms race for a few years now — Biology had its GMO poppies for maximizing opiate production, Physics had its student-built nuclear reactor, and Computer Science had a Bitcoin-mining setup — but this brings Chemistry back up to par.”
When further questioned about the nature of Winbald’s discoveries, Bianchi disclosed that the amphetamine production did not use the typical ‘cold medicine’ route. “I’ve watched Breaking Bad. 7 times actually,” Bianchi said. “When I did a bit of research, I found that random commercial chemicals were being added to drugs, rather than the lab-grade products we use. It’s a bit sad to see that drug production is so outdated now when so many other chemical industries are state-of-the-art.” While the exact methods Winbald used to synthesize the amphetamines were redacted in the official report, Procter & Gamble has reported massive sales drops in NyQuil ever since Winbald’s story made national news.
Meanwhile, prices of meth on the streets have plummeted due to the increase in supply introduced by Winbald’s creations. Several local drug lords have reported massive losses due to the devaluation of their products, leading to the unprofitability of their current synthesis methods.
Although Winbald is currently incarcerated, he remains optimistic: “At least I don’t have to go to TOK anymore.”