School District to Combat Grade Inflation with Student Cremation

KENMORE —The Northshore School District announced yesterday its proposal to combat its rapidly growing grade inflation epidemic. The district plans to roll out a new program in which students are selected, based on their GPA, attendance, followers on Instagram, and classroom participation, to be used as fuel for their school’s furnaces.

Grade inflation has been a perennial problem affecting the school district.

“Twenty-two kids in my AP Lit and Comp class out of twenty-three have A’s,” said Brianna Miloti, a high school sophomore,  “How the heck am I supposed to flex to colleges that I’m capable of putting in blood, sweat, and tears to earn a flimsy piece of paper when these other bozos who looked up A Midsummer Night’s Dream on SparkNotes score the same grade? Jesus, at least have the decency to use the CliffNotes.”

Northshore School District superintendent Dr. Michelle Reid supported the plan, saying that, “Student success is dependent on the quality of the institution they come out of. If half of the grades we give out are A’s, we’re basically a degree farm. If we reduce the supply, we increase the demand for our students.”

The program has already been successfully tested out at Northwood High School, where at least 20 percent of the original student population has disappeared. Notably, the school has received many volunteers for incineration, with most applicants coming from the AP and IB programs at the school. Following the institution of the program, the school’s energy expenditure reached record lows as the corpses of the selected students fueled heating and cooking for the building, leading the U.S. Department of Education to make Northwood a Green Ribbon School.  As a result of the reduced number of A’s coming out of Northwood, the school’s reputation has skyrocketed, making attendance there almost as good as paying for a private charter school.

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