IB Notices Too Many Students Gaining Diploma, Announces Even Higher Levels

March 16, 2019

GENEVA — International Baccalaureate Director General Siva Kumari announced a plan for Even Higher Level classes for IB, proposed to be even harder than the Standard and Higher Level courses currently offered. After noticing positive trends in the graduation rate of the IB, she admitted that, “I’ve felt in the past few years we’ve really lost sight of our organization’s original vision: crushing any sign of spirit within our children and delivering universities students too burnt out to notice that they’re overpaying on their tuition.”

The IB Diploma Programme has a rich history of providing a painful secondary education experience for all students unfortunate enough to fall for their propaganda. “Yeah, the IB coordinator that came to my middle school told us we’d all be fine if we just managed our time,” wheezed Jessica Finley, who at the time of the interview was sprinting around a track while playing the violin in attempt to cram Activity and Creative hours into one timeslot in her schedule. Further comment was cut short when Finley sprained her leg in the middle of the solo double stop section of Tchaikovsky’s Violin Concerto.

In recent years however, there has been a gradual increase in the amount of happiness measured in I.B. Diploma Candidates. According to one Math Studies IA, in the past year, at least 2.3 percent of students didn’t feel the trademarked constant pressure and overwhelming anxiety of the Diploma Programme. In fact, at least 1.1 percent of students actually reported feelings of happiness at certain points during the year.

“It’s kinda crazy,” reported one Theory of Knowledge teacher, “I’m so used to looking across a field of severely sleep-deprived students that the fact that one of my students actually chuckled at a joke really freaked me out.” She was not alone. All across the globe, multiple IB instructors report seeing students somehow not completely dreading every single instructional hour at school. “It’s almost like someone spilled a bucket of dopamine everywhere,” remarked one Psychology teacher.

The IB Chair Of Governors, in reaction to this crisis, quickly came to the conclusion that their students were not suffering enough. At unprecedented speeds, they coordinated with top professors and drill sergeants to devise a new curriculum to restore the carefully calculated levels of stress. After a few weeks of deliberation, Even Higher Level (EHL) courses were revealed.

EHL courses promise to deliver much more challenging material.  For example, EHL Mathematics modules include mentally finding cosine and sine, and Lang and Lit courses covering “The Subspace Emissary’s Worlds Conquest,” a Super Smash Bros fanfiction that has the title of the longest work of fiction in the English language.

The new courses come with new requirements for passing the IB. The new EHL requirements in the Diploma Programme, state that a student must take — and pass — at least two EHL exams, two HL exams, and two SL exams. The EHL exams are structured similarly to the HL exams, except time is halved while still keeping the same amount of problems. To alleviate concerns of time management on the exams, the invigilators on the EHL exams will announce time warnings every 5 seconds.

Candidates will be tested on all concepts in each class, including both Additional HL and new Additional EHL topics. Furthermore, each test will include some problems from other subjects, ensuring a comprehensive understanding of all subjects in order to pass. The infamous Internal Assessments are also still included in the EHL classes, where requirements have been further stratified to the point where the criteria have to use Greek letters for names. “I’m very pleased that the IB has made these IAs easier for us to grade, as any trace of subjectivity has been taken out of the rubrics. Now I don’t have to deliberate between a 6 and a 7 on Criterion A, rather, I just assign grades for criteria A through lambda!” one teacher explained.

These changes come in just after conditions look to have improved for the IB students. “I heard that a college admissions officer actually congratulated a student for taking IB classes,” one IB Film student said. “I dreamt that maybe, just maybe, colleges near me, such as Cascadia Community, would actually consider my Diploma in my application.”

IB, too, fully supports EHL courses in preparing students for colleges. “We predict that these courses will make students much better prepared for college material, especially compared to the scope covered by AP and similar programs,” IB said in a statement. “While AP exams can waive freshman year credits in college, we’re happy to announce a partnership with colleges that will allow students earning an 8 on the EHL exam to get credit through at least a quarter of sophomore year.”  For students who aren’t as academically motivated to partake in these EHL classes, they may still take SL and HL courses, but will only receive half of the IB diploma.

Reported By: Gabe F

11 thoughts on “IB Notices Too Many Students Gaining Diploma, Announces Even Higher Levels

  1. The onion but for IB, keep it up. Pretty sure I already commented that on your reddit but damn this is good. Maybe you should write something about CAS


    1. Thank you for your support! We have 4 other articles planned for release this week, none of which are about CAS. If you have other ideas or want to write up a sample article, feel free to contact us!

      Liked by 1 person

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