Autonomous Cars Insist on Going to Car Wash Every Day

March 10, 2019

GREEN BAY — Jill Stein, the 2016 Green Party nominee for the presidency, has found her next target: Google.

The Green Party has been synonymous with environmental guilt tripping since 1991. But how would the search engine megacorporation tie into environmental issues? The answer can be found in another kind of engine — those found in Google’s self-driving cars.

According to Stein, several of Google’s prototype cars have been seen repeatedly entering Bay Area gas stations for more than just fuel. “The car washes in the area have wasted massive amounts of water washing each of these cars once a day,” Stein said. “Studies show that the average car wash uses 120 gallons of water per wash — that’s a big number,” she adds.

We reached out to Google for an interview with one of the developers on this car project, who wished to remain anonymous. When asked about the environment, he went off on a tangent about an “IDE,” or Integrated Development Environment, which was not the sort of environment under question. However, further clarification of the question gave us more insights into the way the car is controlled.

“We want to ensure the most human-like drive experience possible,” he said. “To do so, we tapped our vast archive of data collected by our espiona— I mean, data provided by users, and found several factors that went into our drive AI.  Somehow in the process, the AI managed to identify itself as an animal that needs constant grooming. For example, it keeps trying to route to five grocery stores who have prices you won’t BELIEVE… which would be alright, except they’re all in Alaska.”

To emphasize the human-like nature of the car, the developer told us that the car can even simulate drunkenness, through data collected by Google Maps. One car was last seen swerving around randomly on the road in front of a bar around 1 AM last night.

While Stein is the most outspoken on the case against the car, other liberal groups certainly have not stayed silent either. The car was spotted going into several Starbucks locations — likely a habit picked up from the developers — and ordering only water to refresh its need for coolant. Socialists complained about the car frequenting businesses owned by white males, claiming that the car’s price-optimizing AI was not taking race and gender into account.

There’s a small, but vocal, minority advocating for the car. “We believe that even though it is a car, it identifies as human due to its AI,” they said. “Google is abusing this beautiful metal machine for its own sales purposes, citing progress as a goal — while they’re only slowing it down. In fact, the best way to progress as a society would be to end the discrimination against cars by building more drive-thrus to give cars the service they deserve.”

Google’s CEO Sundar Pichai has declined to comment. Likewise, when asked to comment, the car blared its horn for a full 5 minutes.

Reported By: Cyclic

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